October 23.

There was one time. One time when i promised myself, that I would never be one of those girls. One of those girls that do nothing but complaining about their shitty life, and telling about how hard it is to stay happy on the outside. And now I truly feel like one of them. For just about to weeks ago, everything was fine. I had my problems, but there was no trouble hiding them. Then suddenly everything cracked. I have a crush on this guy, and then some jackass told him. It was so embarrassing, and so awkward talking to him. I planned telling him that i knew he knew, and that it was true. But as the big fool I am, I didn't do it. So in the weekend I got drunk with my friend. Why I don't really know. I guess we were bored and wanted to try it. Then everything got even more messed up. We went home to a boy from school, and he was with my crush and another boy. I was so drunk, and I can't remember everything. Only that I told him how I felt, I kissed his cheek, said like a 1000 times that I loved him. It was such a big mistake. My parents don't know anything, and I'm not even old enough to drink. STUPID(but for my luck, we had a week off from school after that weekend). And I promised my friend not to tell anything to our other friends, in case they should say something to their parents. So not only am I humiliated, I can't even talk to anyone about it.

This may sound like stupid teenage stuff, and yea, it is. I know. But it was what made everything fall apart. At a sleepover yesterday I broke down. I am sick and tired of my family, it's like living in a circus. My sister and mom had a big discussion on the way home from what should have been a nice shopping trip. I feel like I'm always the one that has to be the grown-up, and to comfort everybody else. And still I'm always the one they forget. I'm the last one to pick what I want, and I'm always the first my mom gets mad at. My grandfather is dying, and I'm not really prepared to loose him already.
So for the first time ever I broke down in front of my friends. It's hard always to be the tough one.

Then here is my whining about my shitty life, and hoping that I can cover everything to the others tomorrow at school.

I really hope that I'll survive the first day of hell.

xx