damn homework.

My body feels so dead right now.... I've been out diving all day, and the water was so damn cold. And now I am supposed to do all my homework for tomorrow, but I kinda feel like my brain isn't working. And the EMA is way more fun, than my math. I should go sleep now, but I really wanna watch EMA. Oh stupid me, then imma be late for school tomorrow(again!....)

BUT something amazing happened yesterday. That guy I have a crush on send me a text on facebook. And he started talking to me again. I know I said we were done... but now... I don't feel like there's more for me to do, everything is now up to him. So let's see...... ;-)




xx

My life in music

If I could turn back the hands of time
I swear I never would've crossed that line
I should of kept it between us
But, no, I went and told the whole world how I feel and oh
So I sit and I realize
With these tears falling from my eyes
I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever
I promise that I'm gonna try
_____
 I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying
To let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you
_____
And I'm sorry
If I pushed you away
I just want you to know I miss you
And I want you to stay
And I don't care, if I don't get anything
All I need is you here right now
And i'm sorry if I hurt you
But I know that All I Want Is You
This christmas
_____
Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I look at you
When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I look at you
_____



  This is four amazing songs, that i really love. Songs that somehow relates to me....

Halloween - am I supposed to get scared now?

So hi.
I don't know if I'm supposed to apologize for not writing anything in the weekend, but I have been busy. At first - that party Friday night got canceled(even though we decided not to come anyway). So I spend that night home at a friend, just having a bit of fun.
Today my sister's turning 18 so she's kinda old. I still remember when she  was like 15, and it feels like yesterday. At 18 she's finally competent. At some point I really hope that she soon is going to move out. Nothing can piss me off like her. It's like she always gets all my moms attention, just because, her husband(my dad), isn't her dad. I feel so neglected all the time. When it's not my big sister who gets the attention, then it's my little sister. Don't get me wrong - I love them.. But sometimes it's just so... annoying. It's like I'm not even there. I feel invisible, and I've felt that for the last 10 years. Thug story.

A little one about love.

The feeling of being in love, is one of the greatest feelings in the world. When you're in love it fills you with happiness. Every time you see your crush, you get butterflies in your belly. You can do nothing but smile, and any of your problems are fading away. You think that you can never stop loving. I did to, until I thought about it. During the summer holidays my cousin told me that a guy from my class maybe had a little crush on me. And I fell in love with him. When we talked we had this great chemistry and he was so sweet. But then some idiot found out that I liked him and he told him. And since then nothing has been the same. We don't talk and I feel like he's kinda ignoring me. Even though sometimes I see him looking at me. So now I was thinking... Is the only reason I still say I'm in love with him because I like the feeling of being in love? Being ignored doesn't really make him nicer. Maybe I should just drop it. For such a long time he have had a chance to say how he feel. But he says nothing. And if he don't have the guts to tell me how he feels, then what is he worth after all?

Being in love is amazing. But I'm not truly in love anymore.

For the first time.

Soooo.... the party invitation I got yesterday was serious. And it's the first time I've ever been to. I'm excited, but also a bit nervous. Nervous to get caught. I've been thinking everything through, and I'm like a 100% sure that something will fail. Me and my friend are going home to another girl from our class, to get dressed and starting to drink. We're supposed to bring some kind of alcohol, but I have no freaking idea how I should get some. I'm way to young to buy it, and I'm pretty sure that a couple of beers aren't enough and my parents will definitely find out if I took a bottle of vodka or something. I have no idea were I'm supposed to sleep. I don't know where the boy, who's throwing the party, lives. And oh yes, I was supposed to sleep somewhere with some other friends, who doesn't know that I'm going to a party(they're not invited). I have to find on an excuse, and I'll have to figure out what kinda booze I should bring, and how to get it. I hope that I have everything clear tomorrow. But there's a very good thing about the party.... My crush is coming. Hopefully we can have a little talk. :-)

So far, so good.

As you can see, I actually survived today. It was awful, and just like I expected, and even though almost every boy from my class now know about what happened that Saturday night, me and my friend still have manged to keep it a secret from the other girls. It was really the big talk today, but I think that I'm pretty good at lying an pretending that I don't know what the heck the boys were talking about. But all those who know about have teased us the hole day. We've been called alcoholics, we've been asked if we still were drunk, and things like that - great. BUT it seems like we've been more popular, because of this. We got an invitation to a party this Friday, and I think that it's the first party invitation I've ever got. And some boys have asked us if we could find a day and have fun, drink and stuff like that. Isn't it funny how you get attention and gets a bit popular just because you got drunk once. We've been talking about that party Friday, but I'm not sure if I want to. It depends on, who is coming and were it is(I have absolutely no idea about were he lives).

But I've really wondered about why I have to drink, to be popular and to be invited to parties.
I think I wanna come Friday, but I'm still not sure. I don't really know if it's a good idea to drink again. Or it isn't, but I'll might do it anyway. I'm still a kid, I don't know what I'm doing(Excellent excuse -or not)
Please forgive me for being so foolish God. I think there's something wrong with my DNA.    

October 23.

There was one time. One time when i promised myself, that I would never be one of those girls. One of those girls that do nothing but complaining about their shitty life, and telling about how hard it is to stay happy on the outside. And now I truly feel like one of them. For just about to weeks ago, everything was fine. I had my problems, but there was no trouble hiding them. Then suddenly everything cracked. I have a crush on this guy, and then some jackass told him. It was so embarrassing, and so awkward talking to him. I planned telling him that i knew he knew, and that it was true. But as the big fool I am, I didn't do it. So in the weekend I got drunk with my friend. Why I don't really know. I guess we were bored and wanted to try it. Then everything got even more messed up. We went home to a boy from school, and he was with my crush and another boy. I was so drunk, and I can't remember everything. Only that I told him how I felt, I kissed his cheek, said like a 1000 times that I loved him. It was such a big mistake. My parents don't know anything, and I'm not even old enough to drink. STUPID(but for my luck, we had a week off from school after that weekend). And I promised my friend not to tell anything to our other friends, in case they should say something to their parents. So not only am I humiliated, I can't even talk to anyone about it.

This may sound like stupid teenage stuff, and yea, it is. I know. But it was what made everything fall apart. At a sleepover yesterday I broke down. I am sick and tired of my family, it's like living in a circus. My sister and mom had a big discussion on the way home from what should have been a nice shopping trip. I feel like I'm always the one that has to be the grown-up, and to comfort everybody else. And still I'm always the one they forget. I'm the last one to pick what I want, and I'm always the first my mom gets mad at. My grandfather is dying, and I'm not really prepared to loose him already.
So for the first time ever I broke down in front of my friends. It's hard always to be the tough one.

Then here is my whining about my shitty life, and hoping that I can cover everything to the others tomorrow at school.

I really hope that I'll survive the first day of hell.

xx